Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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