got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
