I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
