apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
