I think my fart just growled at me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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