good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
