the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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