Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
