oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
