Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
