You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
