A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Blood and glitter go together right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
