Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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