I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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