they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
