Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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