I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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