I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
