what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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