Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize