the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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