You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
