I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
