The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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