if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
