I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
