just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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