Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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