i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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