Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
