Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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