All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
