dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
