Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
