TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm too high and old for this...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
