Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
