What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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