i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
