I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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