Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
