Only a mothe r could love this liver
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
