Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
