Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
