Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
