sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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