Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
