I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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