so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
