There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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