you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
