and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
