Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
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