wake up i wanna do it froggy style
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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