Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
