I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
