I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
