I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
