I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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