Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
