I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
