It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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