You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
3 2 1 whiskey
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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