I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
